Sunday, March 8, 2009

More thoughts.

The coffee here sucks but it's not overheated, it's served in a mug, there's art on the walls, there are couches, younger people coming in, in the right part of town, free wi-fi (but with the key, which I haven't gotten yet and won't get until I feel like I am done writing), taverns and pubs on this street, feels a little more like home, like being on Tejon, though this place doesn't feel like a Tejon coffee shop, doesn't feel like anything in COS that I've seen.

Still have to piss, needed to for the past half hour, somewhat enjoying the feeling of needing to piss, feels like sweetness, a little sweet tingle in my abdomen, makes breathing more labored, reminds me of my body, the little soreness behind my knee, the little warm ache in my thighs, the stiffness of my neck and shoulders, cute girl with haphazard dyed pink hair, seems to work here, seems really aloof and uncertain despite herself, confident walking place to place but with a certain hesitation and doubt, introverted by design, not sure what to think of the art here, some of it better than others, not that it really matters, at least it's not pictures of boats.

People here seem somewhat familiar, lots of people looking into laptops, place has a few Macs set up for public use, quiet, soft indie music playing in the background of everything, everyone intent on something, but still glancing up from time to time, people here like people anywhere, people anywhere like no other place, bottle by the coffee that looks like vodka but definitely only some sort of flavoring, vodka and coffee disgusting, tried it once, takes the smoothness out, makes the coffee too minty, that feeling of alcohol lightening everything, cutting into the flavor too much, brown water with vodka flavoring, not a good experience, same with whiskey without Irish crème or milk of some sort, rum not even worth mentioning beyond mentioning that it's not worth mentioning.

Mother called a little earlier, wondering where I was, sounding concerned, like I can't get around town without an escort or accountability, good-looking prep-hipster comes in, pair of black boots hanging from his backpack inexplicably, not really sure what to think of the guy, not that it really matters, people seem off-put a little that I am looking around a lot, weird-looking dirty kid comes in, hair all over his face and head, seems to know the woman working here, guy sitting down near me, moving shit closer to me, has a gym bag and a beat-up canvas messenger bag, cute well-dressed woman at the counter, up from the couch where her friends are, interesting mix of people coming in, some old guy stopped in for coffee, sitting with a steaming mug just looking around, good for him, caught eyes with him earlier and held it, sort of inquisitive both ways, neither sure what was happening, cute girl at counter runs into cute friend and some random guy who looks sorta frattish, old guy just sipping his coffee, watching me as I watch everyone else, watching everyone else as I watch him, and us both occasionally watching one another.

Lots of Macs in this place, sort of the hipster badge of honor, expensive little shits, laptops not exactly bohemian, people forgetting what that word really means, I rarely use it excepting to describe things that certainly aren't despite best efforts, best efforts require little effort at all, that's the point, the more you try to fit in and be trendy and hip the less bohemian you are, more pretty girls coming through, a lot of them seem pretty young, too young for my tastes, but then again legal is legal isn't it, more of a mental and emotional maturity thing, not that I'm either of those things but I still have a leg up on most 18-year-olds, I think, cute girl's cute friend's random guy is boyfriend to cute girl's cute friend, wearing a Cape Cod shirt, starting to get a feel for this place, cool place for “cool people,” wonder if there's just a place for actually cool people, then again there is no such thing as a place for cool people, cool people make anyplace they go cool, part of the strange mystery of “cool,” so fuck it, just write your little observations and drink the coffee and stop fucking worrying about it, stare at the girls and deconstruct the atmosphere and be a jackass.

But still so many hipsters.

I start to realize that I don't like styles. I like clothes and people who wear what they wear with authority, but I am getting sick of tight pants and hats that are floppy and knit, Chuck Taylors and thick-rimmed glasses, it's all started to mesh together, I suppose if it makes people happy it makes people happy but I've started to wear thin on the whole hipster concept, reminded of Katrina, never really fitting into anything that would label her, really enjoyed the way she dressed, obviously never really met anyone like her, haven't thought about her in some time aside from last night, remembering a couple years ago, up all night talking on the phone with her, text messages at 3am, sitting in that same bed, how things change, curious times, didn't expect to sit in that same bed almost exactly two years later feeling lonely in a completely different way, things have stopped really reminding me of her, good sign I suppose, still nice that I have those memories even if they're not being drudged up constantly anymore.

Wonder what happened to the two girls who were just in here, one of them very attractive, not dressed in any way interestingly aside from how tightly her tights clung to her, very curvy, proportioned well, looked away for a moment to think of lost loves and missed out on the current developments, pretty typical of the past year of my life, though rarer in occurrence by a long shot these days, urge to pee getting stronger and stronger, no longer a pleasant sensation but urgent now, pressing, laborious to contemplate but unavoidable, cute dirty-blonde girl at a table to my front left, across the place, talking on a phone, cute smile, thin and sharp face, plain in an irresistible way, conservatively dressed, young-ladylike, curious. Short Italian-looking woman at the counter now, mid-late 20s, pretty, angled face, deep-set dark eyes, carries herself comfortably but with a certain out-of-place feeling, swaying a bit as she leans against a pole, having a quick look around but quick and discreet, catching my eye for a moment before moving on, wonder what's going through her head, now seeming a little impatient, like she's got something to do, coffee to go, not much of a body but what is there is probably rather nice, the sort that can't fill out a pair of jeans but would look quite lovely in a bathing suit, strange how that works and how her not filling out a pair of pants can inform how she'd work in a bathing suit, really need to piss now, no avoiding it, time to go up to the counter, I think, but I am going to make a further dent into this coffee before I do, seems counterproductive but fuck it, GOING FOR THE GUSTO.

Got the wireless key anyway, just to have it, telling myself I won't dick around on the net until I am well and truly finished writing for the time being, talked to the cute girl that works here but she's super-duper introverted, seems to have a lot going on upstairs but talks in a way that's not very friendly, but not in an unfriendly way, one of those sorts who'd just as soon run away than have a cold conversation, a lot like me, excepting that I try to keep a brisk tone when I talk to people for the first time, intonation, end statements on a high note like the Irish, sounds enthusiastic and interested, at least I think it does, also she has braces on her bottom teeth, interesting sort of detail, probably only something like 17, like the girl next to me, attractive in a “you're 17 so no thanks” sort of way, in no way jailbait but maybe will develop into a somewhat attractive woman, wind up a 7 or 7½ in the course of time, assuming she gets a little taller and fills out just a little bit more.

Goofy-looking redheaded guy here, mid 20s, on a Mac, big padded headphones, sort of outsiderish feel to him, uncomfortable glance in my way as I was glancing over the place, like a double-take, eye contact keyboard eye contact keyboard, almost like a dash of fear there, maybe he's gay and being self-conscious? Maybe he thinks I'm gay and is being self-conscious. I do tend to throw that vibe out to some people, I think, people in this place sit very comfortably, very open, legs spread out or curled up on the couch, I cross-legged, somewhat inward with my posture, girl to left-front looking at her laptop like she's playing a game and losing, but still with hope to bring it back, the sort of hand to side of forehead, concerned, leaning forward look, now hand curled up in front of mouth, thinking, concentrating, reading something, no headphones, very focused, hasn't looked up from the monitor in some time, I steal glances often knowing it, has the little three-cluster bangs, not spread out across her forehead but in little wispy bits here and there, hair not long enough to pull back, her hair slightly longer than mine used to be, knowing the feeling, hair pulled back behind the ears but not into a ponytail, always looked quite stupid on me but women can pull it off effortlessly.

“say yes” on Genius for “American Wedding,” Genius not very smart, then again my selection of music on iTunes limited, haven't imported everything into it yet, so it just kinda does what it can with what it has, now “Spitting Venom,” much better match, good job Genius, coffee good, quite like it quite like it, this stuff a bit nutty and not that good but at least it is coffee, slight chill rolling through my eyes, sour, interesting sort of synesthetic day I'm having, things feeling sweet and sour and the like.

Guy with the boots on his bag has one of those 3-pack thin Moleskines, consulting it over YouTube videos, girl working with the braces has a very cute body, I think she's older than 17 having seen it more fluidly, she went to the bathroom, bathroom here very warm, earth tones, yellow shower curtain on a pole blocking off a baby-changing table and hot-water heater, spacious bathroom, warm there, she walks with her hands together in front of her, part of the aloofness, closed off just walking across the place, hands look too thin to be as young as I first thought, lots of age shows in the hands, really good way of accurately guessing age, sort of something that develops over time and with frequent observation.

Three pages here now, well almost three pages, on page three more accurate, not that it matters. Lots of people actually working on things here, not just dicking around on the internet, looking intent and focused, I the only one really having a look around any, feels good to be something of a coffee shop voyeur, watching the faces change subtly, speculate what they might be looking at, might be thinking, why the posture changes, that sort of thing. Not that I actually do, but it is nice to know that I could if I wanted to, talking to Whitney on Google Chat now, talking about how things are going, old boss sent me a Facebook message yesterday, asking me how I was doing, I just told her “things are plodding along, as always,” no sense being bitchy about it, spilled milk and all that, trying not to get into that sort of negative thought modality, spent the past few days feeling very positive and proactive, no sense falling out of that over something unimportant, that's what I think anyway, new sort of feeling lately, being forgiving, not that it takes a lot of forgiving to make me feel forgiving considering I haven't forgiven anyone for anything in quite some time.

17:11 in the evening now, sun setting, going to get really cold soon, told father I'd call him when I was ready to go home, he's worried about my walking home from here, about an hour walk, mile and a half to two miles distance, nice in the daytime with the heat but a complete bitch in the evening, told him I'd walk home but he insisted on picking me up, would be really pissed if I just walked home despite not wanting to inconvenience him, he'd feel better going out of his way than if I tried to save him the trouble, and of course a ride is nice when it's cold as shit outside.

Took a bunch of pictures from the walk down here so I can share it with everyone, more or less the path taken to get down here and the general abundance of beauty and opulence on the way, how inspiring it can be to just walk around here, probably take a picture of this place's street and then walk down the hill to the big chain coffee shop and take a picture of that road and all its cobblestones and etc. so the context is complete.

Redhead bobbing his red head briefly to some music, noticed in the corner of my eye. Thought I'd share.

Getting quite hungry, haven't eaten since around 06:30 this morning, about 11 hours later I'm only just starting to get a bit peckish, which is how my normal appetite is/was, just a couple weeks ago I'd go the whole day without eating more than a little sandwich or bowl of soup and the like, good to have the appetite coming back a bit, bad in that I actually feel hungry sometimes, before I'd just feel nothing in my gut, strange sensation really, hunger, nothing at all like it, getting goosebumps from a touch and goosebumps from a chill very similar but being hungry entirely unique, sort of a nauseated feeling but not really, sourish regardless, nauseated more a bitterness, repugnant, feeling, hungry more bearable, a little offensive but bearable for a while if not occasionally pleasant, but too much sour over too much time is just an utter bitch, Warhead candies skirting that line, pucker and pucker and a little bit of sweat even, then sweet candy goodness, then a nice parting shot of semi-sour in the middle, just to keep it mixed up, those things burn my tongue and the roof of my mouth, too much coffee I think, too much for no food, overdosing, had two big cups at the big chain place and then another big one here, only been drinking one or maybe two cups a day lately, tolerance down, heartbeat normal but getting a little queasy, burpy, twitchy, cold.

Coffee got cold, still bearable, actually not quite as nutty when lukewarm/cooled, has a better flavor, more bodied, interesting that that's the case, usually quite the opposite, strange little cup of coffee, this, definitely coming back to this place, feels cozier and warmer than the chain place, they have a chess night here that I have no intention of participating in but it's cool that they have it. Plain girl leaves, abruptly, just closes up shop and walks out the door, hardly a glance in my direction, oh sad, girl who comes in doesn't find me attractive, world coming to an end.

Getting cold just sitting here, probably not going to do any picture-taking, feel too hokey and I am (at least I like to think) distinctive, going to be down here more, don't want to be outright seen as a tourist, CO driver's license somewhat encourages that anyway, but if I play it cool at least I can pretend for a while, right? Have to piss again, getting really irritated by having to piss so much, fucking diuretics, probably take a piss and then head off, have a cigarette, give my old man a call get someplace close to where he can get me easily.

Until next time, amity.

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