From my notebook, 3/18/09:
So, Providence. I have a chest cold and it's a nice day and I'm strolling about. Finally found a coffee shop amid the banks and strip clubs that dominate downtown. It's a beautiful city for about fifteen minutes, and then all the dirt under the fingernails and tartar on its teeth become noticeable. Walk 10 minutes in any direction and notice how nervous everything becomes.
It's 1037 and I am in limbo between chilly and overheating, depending on whether my jacket is on or not.
The streets here can get confusing but not like a lot of cities. Unfortunately, it's easy to drive around and suddenly find yourself on some state route heading out of town. There are twists and surprise curves and almost random one-way changes and lane merges.
Tons of shitty housing, lots of homeless people loitering about, hanging around outside amazing colonial-era buildings and statues of Burnside. Asians and hipster girls come and go around RISD near the enormous brick courthouse my mom is hanging out at, watching RI Superior Court cases for a class.
Business people and a strange woman with an Anonymous/4chan tattoo on her ankle examining her broken side mirror. She is legion and she drives a fucked-up Ford Escort. Be afraid, Scientology. What a strange tattoo. What a strange person. Think she may have been a trap.
I wonder if there's a Fight Club-style organization to Anon, and Operation Mayhem to their bluster and braying.
I don't really know what to do with the next two or so hours, really. I don't really see myself "discovering" anything too interesting without going too far off the beaten path. Have my camera but haven't seen anything really worth photographing. There are many pretty things to see but nothing I couldn't get on a postcard.
A cold breeze is coming in right at me. Perhaps the table right net to the door was a bad idea? Police--no, ambulance siren, cute girl comes in for a croissant, two plain women in khaki pants talking business, I making eye contact with people crossing in front of the shop, cars driving by, I glancing in and them glancing out.
Some girl from a social networking site wants to meet me at Starbucks and fuck me in the bathroom on Sunday. It all sort of came out of nowhere and I'm not exactly sure what to really expect. I think she's just a young girl who got burned and wants to have a little fun but I sort of expect her to clam up really quickly when/if we actually meet. If this chest cold progresses into something more, if I wind up with the flu, we'll have plenty of time to think it out a bit. Time will tell, but she's really hot and I could use some good fucking.
I think I will look back and find therapy one of the better choices I have made lately. I feel like being able to talk to someone whose sole relationshio to me is to help me think and feel better is a good thing.
Today, I feel very confident and uplifted, my understanding of myself and people better refined, and as if a load is beginning to lift from my shoulders.
I must keep it up.
PS: coffee jitters blah!
I have talked more with this girl and all of my initial doubts have alleviated some. If it is some sort of hoax, trick, ploy, etc., it is remarkably well-developed. Her Facebook page, OKC page, and all manner of other different online presences reinforce that this actually is a human being who is representing herself somewhat realistically.
I do think she is a young girl trying to figure out what she wants and who hasn't been free, previously, to explore her sexuality. I know this is not something I am supposed to approach philisophically (from a LCD cultural standpoint), but rather something I should be rather gung-ho about. Get some trim, enjoy the freedom from committment in all endeavours, etc. However, I am, despite myself.
It occurs to me that I may be responsible for shaping the sexual identity of this girl, and that is somewhat compelling (but not necessarily attractive) to me. I've been with ten times as many people as this girl claims, and even if that number is artificially low, I still likely have a significant edge on her. What will that mean, in the moment? What will it mean to her? How will this impact her future sexual encounters?
I cannot know, so I shrug. We will see how things play out. I know that most of the people who read this will shake their heads and mutter something along the lines of "Greg, Greg, what are you doing?" I am asking myself the same question, and many many others.
The chest cold is still around, though it has moved more into my face. The cough is replaced with sinus clogging and post-nasal drip. I am sneezing often. I am convinced it is just the common cold, though my mother seems to be afflicted with the same bug and it is hitting her harder. We will see there, as well.
There is little to report, otherwise, in my life. I look forward to the prospect of playing golf with my dad this weekend and I have some work to do editing his students' exam papers. Some of these people, the brightest officers the US military has to offer, cannot write their way out of a paper bag. Today, at several points, I had to simply stop reading, take a break, smoke a cigarette, and get away from the papers due to the sheer frustration of seeing 30-something professionals butcher and molest the English language.
Tomorrow (today, really) I will be checking a few suspect passages and sections for plagarism and giving one more quick look over all the papers before forwarding them to my dad. This after I work out in the morning, a mere 6 or so hours from now.
I started off running two miles at most and biking 6 or so per workout session. I am already running two miles as a matter of course and biking more than 8. It feels good to feel like I am growing stronger, mentally and physically. We play racquetball with some frequency and I have quickly shifted from getting my ass handed to me to winning 2 out of 3, though usually by narrow margins. I feel, strangely enough, as if I am learning and perceiving with a sharper focus as of late. It is reflected in a great many things.
It is 0334 and I have turned out the lights. It is time to drink the remainder of my water and retire. Enjoy yourselves until next we meet.